THE COACH’S CORNER: Do You Have Elephant Skin?

To thrive in a competitive and professionally demanding field, individuals who have achieved any real success will have dreamed about doing great things, reached inside themselves to overcome tough odds, and worked hard to achieve success. They are rewarded with immense
personal satisfaction from reaching their goals, which is multiplied by the status that society has bestowed upon elite high-achievers. But even within that group of successful professionals, some surpass their peers in achievement, reputation, and position. Those who reach this pinnacle are apt to receive the shock of success: Not everyone is happy or cheering for you!

Leaders find out quickly that success attracts criticism. Real leaders know that you can’t make everyone happy. First, some people always find a way to criticize and find fault with whatever you are trying to accomplish, regardless of your intent. These people see the glass as half empty and continually look to point out problems. There is another class of people who are just plain jealous. They think you must have manipulated or cheated to get where you are or that your achievement is because of luck or some aspect of unfairness. They find a way to tear down the most dedicated and successful people in every walk of life. So, if you think what you have accomplished is remarkable and the mantel of leadership combined with your good intentions will cause others to fall in line with what you want to do, prepare to be disappointed. Leadership
is not for the faint of heart. It is for those who are secure in their own skin, and that skin is elephant skin.

Critics Are a Good Sign

When a select few are attacking you, it’s an indication that you are starting to be a leader. Chris Brady and Orrin Woodward wrote, “If you haven’t been attacked, you probably aren’t doing much that will really make a difference” (p.144).1. The truth of the matter is that having
critics is a good thing. The aforementioned Chris Brady noticed an interesting pattern when studying book reviews on Amazon. Book reviews with many five-star ratings also had a few one-star reviews, while books without bad reviews have few, if any, five-star ratings. It seems that those with high praise always have critics, while those who don’t receive mostly mediocre or no ratings.

This pattern mirrors my experience working with leaders who receive 360-degree feedback from their organizations about their leadership styles and attributes. The most effective leaders inevitably receive outstanding ratings, with a small number of outliers in the low range.
In the comments section, there will be positive comments mixed with a few which are incredibly negative – some even hurtful. Those who I would describe as average leaders are middle-of-the-road regarding their results. The point is to excel is to invite criticism and jealousy, so when it comes, it’s time to smile, relax, and realize that you’re probably not doing something that matters without it. Claude Hamilton said it well in his book Toughen Up! 2. Enjoy the struggle. People only become great when they have to struggle, adapt, and overcome. So if you face difficulty in living your dreams and achieving your life purpose, congratulations! You’re probably on the right track. At the very least,
you’re doing something right. (p. 77-78)

That is good advice, but it is only possible if you have thick skin – elephant skin.

Elephant Skin

Elephant skin is a euphemism for the psychological trait of Tough-mindedness. When a person is Tough-minded, they can cope with the slings and arrows that life throws at them. They are resilient and can recover quickly from disappointment and setbacks, allowing them to function in difficult and unpleasant situations without becoming emotionally overwhelmed. To put it differently, they have a high degree of psychological insulation. As you might imagine, a high standing on this trait has many advantages, not the least of which is an above-average ability to endure the criticism and rejection of others.

Growing elephant skin will not happen if you are too motivated by and concerned about approval and acceptance from others. The wish to be perceived as a desirable person can be a real motivator in organizations, and it has its upside, but not if it results in being thin-skinned. Thin-skinned people are overly susceptible to having their feelings hurt by criticisms or slights, and they have difficulty letting go of perceived rejection. They are prone to overreact to perceived wrongs and are likely to respond with anxiety, worry, and anger. They might even let
their anger cause them to attack those they perceive as being against them. Not a formula for doing great things and leading others.

There is Hope

You can grow elephant skin even if you are not born with it. There are entire books written on being mentally tough and resilient, meaning you can learn to be thick-skinned. Here are a few thoughts to get you started.

1. This is not about you. People who come after you do so because they are jealous, have insecurities, and you represent a threat to them. The best thing you can do is smile and be successful.
2. You are serving your purpose. When you dedicate your life to being the best you can be on the path set before you, and that path helps others (or the institution) and not just yourself, you won’t care what anyone thinks or says about you.
3. It was never meant to be easy. Leadership is not a popularity contest; real strength shows itself not when the world praises you but when others are critical.
4. You are not alone. As a leader, success cannot be accomplished by yourself – no matter how talented you are. Successful leaders always have a team of colleagues and strong allies who support and defend them, diminishing the impact of small-minded critics.
5. Critics are a sign of success. As discussed earlier in this article, it is a sign of accomplishment when people are jealous or critical. If you didn’t stand out, there would be nothing to attack.
6. Listen to feedback, but don’t get distracted by personal attacks. Having elephant skin doesn’t mean you don’t consider the viewpoint of the people doing the sniping. There is always something to learn, even from critics. Learn the lesson if there is a mistake and then forget the mistake. A short memory and a thick skin will serve you well.

To sum up, in the words of Konrad Adenauer, “A thick skin is a gift from God.”

References

1. Brady, S. & Woodward, O. (2013). LIFE (2nd ed.). Flint, MI: Obstacles Press.
2. Hamilton, C. (2013). Toughen Up! Flint, MI: Obstacles Press

Robert F. Hicks, Ph.D., is a Clinical Professor of Organizational Behavior at The University of
Texas at Dallas and founding Executive Director of the Organizational Development, Coaching,
and Consulting program at the Naveen Jindal School of Management. Dr. Hicks is a licensed
psychologist and holds an appointment as a faculty associate in the Department of Psychiatry at
UT Southwestern Medical Center, where he coaches clinical chairs for leadership effectiveness.
He is the author of “Coaching as a Leadership Style: The art and science of coaching
conversations for healthcare professionals” (2014) and “The Process of Highly Effective
Coaching: An Evidence-based Framework (2017).